The Stop Button

Too many projects?

I recently moved to Nottinghamshire, after a lifetime in London. At the same time, I’ve taken on several new projects, all at once, and am beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed. As well as the project of moving into a new house and new county, my other projects include:

1. New Plot: rental of a plot of land from the local Council, the size of a small field, covered in couch grass and weeds, the roots of which go down several feet into the earth
2. New Book (my First): committing to focussing on, finishing and publishing my first book. This feels like I’m putting myself under pressure, as I’ve already tried to complete this for many years, without success.
3. New Website and Blog: a further commitment to publish my first book, through creating this new website and blogging about my book-writing journey, from draft to publication. Thereby putting myself under the cosh even more, by choosing to do all of this publicly.

My projects require a mixture of mental brainpower, together with plain old physical muscle and sweat of brow. I’m getting to grips with learning stuff I don’t know, including techy things such as the workings of WordPress and search engine optimisation – which is vital but not hugely inspiring or interesting to me if I’m honest,

Is there a way to stop the train? The Universe says Yes

I’ve been wondering to myself, have I taken on too much?  This worrying feeling showed up recently, in one of my night-time dreams:

In the dream I was on a train with various people from my past.  The train stopped and it was time for me to get off.  Suddenly, one of my friends, who had lots of luggage, needed help with some stuff she’d dropped.  Rather than get off the train, I felt I had to help her gather up her stuff. I knew this would mean the train might move off with me still on it and I was likely to miss my stop.

I said to the train driver, “Excuse me, can I ask you something?”

He nodded, so I continued, “Is there a way to completely stop the train? You know, if you should ever really need to?”  

He gave me a look that said, “You are joking?”  as he pointed to a massive red button on the train’s control panel. 

The button was huge, how could I have missed that? 

So I said, “Ah yes.  Of course.”

Then I woke up.

And yes, it was obvious. If I wanted to stop, all I had to do was push the big red button, and stop. 

The train seems to represent Where I’m Going.  I wanted to get off the train but felt duty bound to help my friend with her stuff. The friend might even represent an aspect of me. The me who’s been trying to finish writing her book all these years and is wondering if it’s worth it and maybe I should just get off the train.

Staying on the train, for whatever reason may mean I’m On Board with my projects, and that I don’t want to Stop the Train, just yet. But what if I do want to stop further down the line? Can I do that?

Asking the Train Driver, was like my asking for reassurance from the Universe: 

“Hey Universe, I know I’m committed to all these things, but, if by any chance I needed to change my mind/back out/stop – is there any way I could actually do that?

As I’ve said, the Train Driver simply pointed to the big red button.  He didn’t speak, but the look on his face seemed to say:

“You’re kidding me? Just stop.  It’s no skin off my nose.”

It’s not just about me

So why the feeling of overwhelm and even, why am I feeling a little bit scared?

Ahh.  Then I realised.  It isn’t just about me.  

It’s about readers.  It’s about the readers I’m imagining may read my blog and read my book.  

Somewhere out there (please God) are people who might read and enjoy my book.  Or who might one day read my blog and, dare I hope, feel encouraged by it.

If it was just me I could merrily write for myself, and not share it online or anywhere else. The idea to do this publicly was because I hoped it would give me that spur – when you say to others you will do something you are more likely to do it.

Yet, I’d love to think that my blog or my book will help not just me, but others too. When they read about how long it’s taken me to finish my book, it might make them feel better. It might give them a spur too, to finish their book, or start a blog, or create a website, or create a product – but most of all, to trust themselves to do it and trust they will do it well.

The thought that it isn’t just about me, is both terrifying and encouraging. Knowing someone might be interested in the next stage of the story, helps me to keep writing. If I blog about my progress consistently, I’m more likely to achieve that goal of finishing and publishing my first book.  

Thinking about it logically, I really don’t need to feel overwhelmed.  I am the one who has chosen these projects. No one is forcing me to do any of it.  

It’s early days for my blog. I have two people on my subscriber list. Two people who I would hope, have subscribed because they are interested in the topic of my blog. If I continue to blog regularly, maybe that list of two will grow.

Even two people signed up to your blog is a vote of confidence and means there is now expectation. It means you need to go on and write those blog posts and that book. And hey – I want to, I want to do this!

So on I go. I will continue to post on my blog and continue to allow myself to hope, that sharing my story might help others to share theirs.  When I think of those others, I feel more incentive to keep going. It doesn’t matter whether this blog is helpful or just interesting – but I hope it’s one or the other!

Thank you my two subscribers. I appreciate you and your support. And just to let you know that for the moment, any thoughts about pressing that big red button have faded away.