I wonder whether I can use this blog in a different way.
What if I pretend it’s just me? What if I write here as I write in my own personal journal.
What if I stop thinking about who might read this blog. What if I just share, as thoughts occur to me. Maybe that way, I will get everything done and the book will finally be finished and out there.
Okay, this a good start. No one is going to read this ClaireBear, just you.
I’ve wanted to come back here for a while but I was afraid, because it’s been so long. But here I am. And for today, these few words are enough.
Okay, that image could be a grasshopper, as I think crickets are brown. But I chose him for his personality – he has character.
Despite my silence, The Book is coming along well. In fact, it’s coming along better since I stopped blogging about it.
I’ve decided to maintain radio silence for a little longer and to focus on finishing it. I don’t think it’s wise to put a date on when I will be back to blogging. Perhaps other writers can write books and blog at the same time – I’ve discovered I cannot. It’s either one or the other and the book won.
One thing, that has taken a huge energetic weight off my shoulders lately, is unsubscribing from lots of mailing lists I’d signed up for. I even unsubscribed from people I liked (but who sent me lots of emails). I can always re-subscribe later. My in-box is much lighter now.
Right now, I need that radio silence more than ever. I need to focus on my own voice (in my head, and on the page), and get this book done once and for all.
Please feel free to zap me an email at any time, if you’re curious how I’m getting on. I’ll be happy to hear from you and will answer with an update. A blog post is one thing, an informal email is another. If you’ve ever blogged you’ll know what I mean!
I give thanks to all who’ve followed and supported me up to now. Thank you so much.
Love and blessings to you for the new year – and the new decade. Hope to see you in a few months (or so!)
ELIZABETH GILBERT: Writing is not like dancing or modelling. It’s not something where, if you missed it by age 19, you’re finished. It’s never too late. Your writing will only get better as you get older and wiser. If you write something beautiful and important, and the right person somehow discovers it, they will clear room for you on the bookshelves of the world – at any age. At least try.
TWO:
ANNE RICE: If you want to be a writer, write. Write and write and write. If you stop, start again. Save everything that you write. If you feel blocked, write through it, until you feel your creative juices flowing again. Write. Writing is what makes a writer, nothing more and nothing less.
Please listen to the audio below – this tells you exactly where I am at, in my Book One project.
I junked a long blog post (that had taken me days to write) and replaced it with this more open and real update.
Much Love to you!
click on the little triangle to play the audio
I’ve added the transcription to the audio below. However, if you listen, rather than read, you will get the full experience. You’ll hear my laugh, verging on hysteria, until (at the end) I calm myself down and try to look on the bright side (positive-optimistic-person that I try to be) ;-)
Transcription of Audio:
Hello there, it’s Claire Gillen, I’m not sure whether I’m going to send this out as an audio blog post or not. I’ve come up to my room. I have all my earliest diaries, spread out in front of me on the floor. I’ve been trying to put them into date order and I realise what a huge task it is, the idea that I had, to somehow document my whole life via my diaries.
My main task is obviously to get the first book out and it was going to be, what I thought was a Fast and Easy book. And (that Fast and Easy book) would be, perhaps my very earliest diary, just transcribed with my comments alongside. And I’ve done that. And I’m not happy with it! I wrote a very long blog post – and I’m not happy with that either . . . and an audio to go with it – and I’m not happy with that either. So, I’m now a little bit . . . kind of stuck. That’s exactly where I am at the moment.
(I then had to briefly pause the audio, to gather my thoughts and unstick my brain, in order to continue).
I’ve been thrashing this out with someone who knows me very well and I’ve been trying to explain myself to her. Basically, I was saying that this whole thing, of putting my diaries into written form and publishing them, has been something that I have wanted to do, all my life, virtually.
I suppose I (initially) got the idea in the early 80’s or late 70’s – Look! Where are we now?!
And there’s a reason for that, there’s a reason why this idea won’t go away. I need to get this honest stuff out there.
I do not want to write fiction. I don’t want to, necessarily this time around, make Fiction out of my diaries and add to them. I want them as they are.
But as I say, I’m looking at them here. They’re all over the floor. I’ve put little post-it notes on every single one with, dates and months and I’m . . . I’m boggled. I’m totally boggled.
So yeah, so that’s my Progress Update at the moment, and I’m sorry it isn’t more positive.
I wanted the first book to be Fast and Easy, I wanted to get something out there, just to get something published and start the ball rolling really, get the first step on the ladder.
Um . . . but I suppose I’m too much of a blasted perfectionist and I want it to be amazing and I want to be, you know, happy with what I put out.
I’m too . . . I over-complicate things. I start with a simple idea then I over-complicate it. Anyway! Look! I’m fed up with this (laughter on the verge of hysteria) – I just needed to get this out. And look, that is where I am at the moment.
So, Angst-Ridden-Claire . . .
I will figure it out. I will figure it out. I’m gonna sleep on this, and I know in the morning, it will be clearer. And I think I will see the way forward. At the moment, I’m feeling very frustrated and annoyed. But I know, I will see the way forward, after a good night’s sleep.
So, I’m leaving it there. As I say, this started to be a long written post and a long audio post and this is all it is (now), just an audio post. But anyway, lots of love. Good Luck! . . . with whatever you’re doing, and I send good luck to myself as well, and I shall pick this up in the morning. Okay, bye for now. Bye!
Press the little triangle button to play the audio
I haven’t transcribed the audio into text, and don’t know when (or if) I will.
More and more, I’m finding blogging is easier to do when I’m chatting into my little mp3 recorder, rather than writing a lengthy blog post. Mainly because I’m such a perfectionist and I read and re-read the post a hundred times, constantly tweaking (for hours or days) which means I don’t have much time for anything else!
So, I’ve made my what-to-write-the-first-book-about decision, within the fortnight deadline I set myself – just.
For my First Book, I’ve decided to go with the Fast and Easy (diary) option (see my last post for full details of all the options I was exploring).
My diaries are already written and there are lots of them. With luck, if you’re working with something you’ve already written, it should be fast and easy to create a book out of it – at least that is the hope!
The audio cuts off in the beginning – or rather I edited out the first bit. I was chatting away, as if to a friend, all free and easy. But when I listened back I thought, “Hang on, maybe I shouldn’t tell the whole world that“.
Not just yet anyway. I’m sure it will appear in one of my books further down the line 🙂
How do you decide what your first book will be? Whether it’s non-fiction or fiction and whatever the genre, I believe the first book is one of these three types:
Click on TRIANGLE above to listen to this blog post or continue reading – or both!
1. a Small Book
2. a Big Book
3. a Fast and Easy Book
Maybe you’ve already decided on what your first book will be – three cheers for you! I thought I had decided too, several times. I had chosen a topic and started to work diligently, writing every day and loving every moment.
That is until I started doubting myself and my writing. Several times – after years of work, I stopped writing my book and began another book, another story. Oh yes, that first story was a great idea, I said, but this one, now this is really it.
Another year or two, and the same thing happened. I lost heart, lost faith, lost trust in myself and the story I was writing. I thought I could improve my book, perhaps by adding another twist, another slant to it. How about if I tell the story from this person’s perspective? How about if I have these two main characters. Oh, but shouldn’t I have just one main protagonist? So if there are two main characters, is my hero Jane or John? Or maybe I should write it this way instead?
To cut a long story short, from 2014 to late 2018, I started six Big Books and eight Little Books. You may think that’s not too long a time to be working on writing books. Yet I’ve wanted to make my living writing for longer than that.
I think if I pick up any one of my diaries I will find a reference to wanting to be a writer. I chose a diary at random today. It was in 1982 and I managed to get a chance to do some copywriting for an advertising agency. I’d written letters to every ad agency I could find. One agency responded and gave me a chance.
I thought I did a good job but it wasn’t good enough. They didn’t take me on. Probably just as well, as I don’t think I was cut out to be a copywriter.
Instead, I continued to write in my journals. I dreamed of turning my journals into stories but never did.
Around 2014 I bought Scrivener. Scrivener is a super-duper tool for organising your thoughts, and preparing your manuscript for publication. I was excited. Real authors were using Scrivener and now, so was I. I loved it and I loved writing each book I began (and didn’t finish).
The big books I wrote were all going to be a series, in at least three parts. The little books were short stories or ideas for future big books. Five years later of playing with wonderful Scrivener and having fun ‘Writing my first book’, I lost heart and literally lost the plot. I was getting nowhere. Not in terms of finishing and publishing my first book anyway. I wanted to give up but somehow I couldn’t.
Now one thing I know is that you have to keep going at a project to succeed in it – and I did keep going. Because I don’t know many people who would plug away at something for five, twenty or forty years. Yes, friends, 1982 was nearly forty years ago.
Yet I know, that no matter how much effort you put into something and how much time and energy you spend, once you stop (let’s say for more than a month), then all that previous effort is worth naught. If you don’t consistently tend to and nurture your project, then it all goes to pot. Or rather, the pot goes off the boil.
My problem is I have spent years writing big books and years writing little books but I have finished none of them. How the hell, I wondered, (fretted) am I going to finish and publish that first blasted book?
I wanted to get something published and I wanted to do it fast. Oh yes, and it must be easy, or as easy as possible. After mulling this over for a while I had an idea. One way, would be to write a book that is fast and easy to write.
How? A bit more pondering and this is what I came up with:
Idea number one:
Choose for the first book something that is already written. All that would need to be done would be to edit, rewrite or expand upon it.
For me, this could be my journals. For you, it might be poems that could be gathered together – poems you’ve written over many years perhaps. Or that time you wrote poetry when you were in love. Maybe there is a great blog post, or an article or essay that could be expanded upon?
Idea number two:
Choose an activity you already love to do and document it. Something easy and enjoyable. Blog about it and then turn the blog posts into a book.
I liked the idea of blogging about my allotment garden. That way I could feed two birds with one bit of bread:
1. Feel okay about spending time getting the work done at my allotment and not feel guilty that I was gardening instead of writing, as it’s all part of the same project.
2. This idea would mean having a topic to blog about and a topic to create a book around. I am still exploring this idea. It’s not a new idea. I just need to feel really enthusiastic about how it might work. Because in some ways it feels like I’m following my habitual pattern of starting another new First Book again. Again.
Of course, this blog is about the dilemma of getting from draft manuscript to published manuscript – and that could be a book in itself – perhaps with entries taken directly from my journals, illustrating the angst of the writing and publishing journey – and hopefully the joys!
Idea number three:
Choose something short. Hopefully, a short book is easier and faster to write (but I suspect this isn’t always true).
The shortest book I’ve come across was only about twenty pages and happened to be a book of poetry. Another book I read was more like a long chapter.
If you price your book as low as you can go, letting the reader know that it is a short book, then all should be fine.
I’m not too concerned with selling lots of copies at this stage. Whilst it would be wonderful for your short (first) book to go viral, as many lengthy blog posts have done, the main aim in my mind is to break that publishing duck.
That duck is ‘finishing and publishing my first book’. Getting that first book out is the aim. Equally, I don’t want to throw any old thing out there, I want to publish a book I’m proud of. If I’m getting real with myself though, I don’t expect the first book to be a bestseller.
That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love it if it was!
Idea number four:
Choose to go incognito. Fear not – use a pen name.
Fear stops everything in its tracks, including books. The biggest fear for me about publishing my first book is that it will be crap: everyone who sees it will hate it, criticise it, and me, and I’ll be a total laughing stock.
If I publish under a name that isn’t mine and the book is a flop, it doesn’t matter. I can use a new pen name for the second book – which may do better. Or I could even use my own name if I feel brave or confident enough.
In this way, if the pen name books fail, the pen-name-person can disappear into the shadows with their failed book and live to fight another day. Hopefully re-emerging with another pen name (or their own) and a new brilliant and loved book.
I loved the idea of a Fast and Easy book and thought I’d come up with a workable idea, using something I had already written, my own journals. Never mind that I’m not a celebrity. Never mind that I haven’t been through a war or been imprisoned or had a life-threatening disease. Never mind that I don’t have some intricate and exciting tale to tell, because, I reasoned, isn’t an ordinary life – or the real thoughts of an ordinary person, pretty interesting, in a fly-on-the-wall kind of way?
I thought so. I think so. The problem is, I don’t yet know so. The Not-Knowing causes self-doubt, procrastination and the changing of horses in the middle of the stream and this is something Tower of Power strongly advised against) https://youtu.be/3szJhsa9e0Y
Write the book you want to read
I like reading about other people’s lives. I like real. I don’t like gossip mags but I do love some reality t.v. I love real-life documentaries. I love honest, open, no-shame sharing. Memoir is my favourite genre. Reading Ann Frank’s Diary when I was ten or eleven, moved me to begin keeping my own.
I have read some published diaries and thought, “Isn’t mine as interesting as this? Actually, isn’t mine more interesting than this?” Samuel Pepys Diary, for example. Maybe I missed the good bits? Some say the only interesting bit was his entry about the Great Fire of London. The rest of the diary? Well, no offence Samuel, but zzzzzz.
For a while, the idea of publishing my (honest and real) diaries felt like a good one. Until those old friends chimed in again, my doubts.
“Are my diaries interesting to anyone but me?”
The other question was, “Where do I start?” In nearly five decades of writing my diaries/journals, what day or year, out of all those years, do I start from? I still don’t know.
My journals are my biggest body of written work. There are so many stories within them. Which stories should I tell?
After much thought, I decided to just take a period of time, say three months’ worth of entries, and simply publish them. Just do it. Get my diaries out there and see what happened.
Decision made, I set to work, typing and slightly editing my diaries, thinking, “I’ll just cut out the really boring bits”.
Then I thought, “Hang on, how do I know whether this bit is boring? Maybe there are some golden nuggets of interest in my daily musings and ramblings?”
I wondered some more. “Perhaps I should explain this bit more clearly? Or change everyone’s name? – oh and the place names too, so no one recognises themselves. But what if they do recognise themselves? Will they be pissed off that I wrote that about them?”
“I know, make it into fiction! So, it’s not a real diary, just the fictional person’s diary. If I’m writing fiction, I could spice things up, add in some more action and excitement. Make it more interesting.”
“How about if I choose some really old diaries and have my older wiser self, commenting on them – like, I wish I knew then what I know now. Or: This is the advice I wish I could have given my younger self.”
Is that a good book idea?
Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it’s already been done. Dilemma. Indecision. Doubts and Fears. The writing stops again.
I thought, through simply publishing my diaries, that I had a Fast and Easy First Book idea. Now it seems it isn’t a good idea after all.
Now what? Go back to one of the big books and work on that again?
Sigh.
Whether it’s a Big book, a Little book, or a Fast and Easy book, a decision must be made
I must look at the myriad of book ideas I’ve had over the last ten years and pick one. Preferably, once I’ve chosen, I will set myself a completion deadline. A deadline not too soon to get me into a panic, but not so far ahead that I can coast and procrastinate. Also, preferably, I must reveal the deadline date, publicly. (Oh God).
So now you know. This is where I am at, with the First Book, after all these years of trying.
I’ve yet to decide which book I’m now writing but I must decide. I’ll give myself a couple more weeks – no more. I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve come up with the answer. As soon as I’ve made That Decision.
It’s taken me days to write this blog post. I was dragging my heels as I don’t want to decide on something and change my mind again. Whatever I decide, I need to see it through. Apart from anything else, I don’t have many decades left!
Well, fellow writer and creative person, are you any further forward than me?
Have you decided on the topic of your first book?
Are you writing it yet? I’d love to hear about it.
If none of the above, I hope, having read this post, you’re now feeling better about your own creative projects and progress.
There’s nothing like putting the word Writer after your name to completely paralyse and prevent you from writing another word, in my case the second blog post.
I’ve been puzzling over it for nearly three days, writing countless drafts and re-drafts, accompanied by much hand-wringing and I’m still no further forward.
Rather than struggle with it any longer, I shall simply share what I wrote in my journal this morning. I think it will do perfectly for my second blog post:
Extract from my journal:
Friday 8 March 2018
6.51am. I’m thinking of naming my second blog post ‘The problem of writing the second blog post’. Does that describe it well enough though? I don’t think that heading conveys what I’ve been through for the last two days. Maybe I should add ‘and how that doesn’t even begin to describe the angst and stress of writing it’.
Maybe it’s just me who has this second blog post issue? I can write in my journal with no problem. I love writing in my journal. But when I sit down to write a blog post it is so hard.
That’s why I’ve spent two days on it – long days, from 10.00am to 7.00pm solid. Both days. I squirreled myself away in my bedroom-come-office so I would have peace and quiet and could concentrate, so there’s no excuse there.
I drew four mind-maps and wrote lots of drafts, changing the blog topic at least three times and eventually felt I was done. To help myself edit, I’d read the thing aloud to myself and recorded it on Audacity. (I couldn’t find my little hand-held mp3 recorder).
When I listened back I felt quite pleased with it. I even laughed at one of my own jokes and at the end, choked up by what I’d written there. That was a good sign. I gave it to BF (my best friend) to read (and confirm that it was as good as I thought it was).
It was probably a mistake to ask her to read it whilst she was watching Crufts on t.v. but she agreed to read it in the break when the adverts came on. Thankfully, she turned down the sound.
I can’t remember what she said, but she didn’t say: Yes, that’s great!
I asked “Is it okay?” and she said “Yes. It’s okay”.
Two days I’d spent working on this blog post and it was just okay?
I felt like crap.
She started to say “I’m sorry . . . “, and I cut her off with “It’s FINE!” and we both knew it wasn’t fine.
Oh yes, she reminded me that I’d tried to blog before and about all that had gone wrong with that and why didn’t I just get on with writing the bloody book and stop distracting myself.
She said I should write the book before doing another blog.
I tried to explain, the whole point of the blog is I’m coming from the place of not being there yet. I haven’t finished the book and I’m still doing it. I said, “I’m writing for people like me, who haven’t done it yet either”.
“Why are you doing it for other people? Why aren’t you doing it for yourself?”
“I AM doing it for myself, that’s the whole point. Writing the blog will help me finish the book and hopefully, help people like me, who’ve been trying for-EVER(!) to get their book out there. Or their blog. Or themselves . . . somehow. They haven’t done it yet either and like me they may have been trying for years, and I want to do it -now, and share how I do it”.
I knew what I meant but the more I tried to explain, the less she seemed to get me, until I wasn’t sure I got me either, or why I was doing it. She said I can best help others when I’ve done it myself, when my book is published.
“But I want to do it with them!” I said, getting more fired up, “Not be like some successful Writing Guru who’s already made it. I’m like them”.
I see her point. She’s watched me trying to do this for years. It’s a fine line between failure and success, between dreaming of publishing your book and actually doing it.
Creating my new website and blog isn’t just about the struggle to get the book done and out there. I don’t want it to be only about that. I’ve struggled for years already and I’ve had my fill of it. I want this to be about doing it now, not struggling. Succeeding. Publishing the book.
Feeling emotionally exhausted, I went out to the kitchen to make the evening meal. Thankfully, it was a meal I could do standing on my head, a simple veg chilli and rice.
I tried to calm down and salvage something from the wreckage. Maybe I could do an mp3 instead of a written blog post? I didn’t know where my mp3 talk-box was. I hadn’t been able to find it for weeks and yet when I opened the filing cabinet, I reached to the back and immediately put my hand on it. I turned the stove down to simmer and went upstairs with my talk-box.
BF was now watching Eastenders and I could hear the sound of it coming up from below. In the privacy of my bedroom, I had a kind of rant into my talk-box and felt better. Perhaps I could post that. I’m supposed to be sharing my experiences after all.
I pressed play to listen and it hadn’t recorded. Probably just as well. The battery was almost flat so maybe that was why. I did a ‘testing testing 123’ and the gadget itself was fine. I decided to leave the blog post there for one day.
Having slept on it I am slightly clearer this morning. First of all, I was trying too hard. After all, if you create a website and put the word Writer after your name, you’re heaping on the pressure to write a halfway decent blog post each time.
I reminded myself that the whole idea of the blog was simple: to honestly share what’s going on for me in this whole writer-to-author journey.
I’m not saying the blog post I wrote wasn’t honest, but I think I was trying to make it too polished and perfect.
I want my blog to be real. I don’t need to write perfectly – but I still want to write well. All I really want, is to share and communicate. How I do that, doesn’t matter. Just because the blog is about writing a book doesn’t mean I have to write blog posts all the time. I could record some of the posts and link to some of the work I’ve already done.
A real writer. That just popped into my head. I want to be real, I want to come across as real. But this whole thing is also about becoming a Real Writer. Because unless I have a book, how can I call myself a real writer?
I need to publish a book. That’s all there is to it.
So where does all this leave me? Only to say that I’m not surprised I struggled with the second blog post, I’ve done it before. I made a recording then too, saying how I’d struggled and here I am again.
I have to try and make this easier for myself otherwise I won’t keep this up. I’ve thought of a few ways:
1. Write in my journal as I usually do, whilst trying to forget about writing a blog post. I’m doing this blog with People Like Me in mind, so why not write to them as I write to myself in my journal?
2. Wait at least a day, then read what I’ve written in my journal and see if I can share it in a blog post – maybe slightly re-worked or, if I’m lucky, as it is.
3. Share my behind-the-scenes stuff, like mind-maps and what I’m studying, around blogging, book-writing and indie-publishing.
4. Use my talk-box to record a post. Unscripted, but with some ideas for what I’m going to share, written down on a piece of paper. Maybe just a word or two like ‘second post struggle’ or ‘easier in journal’. That way I keep it natural and speak freely as I would to a friend.
I like the talk-box idea because my blog readers will hear my voice. They will hear my expression and easily get the emphasis or meaning – without me having to put words into italics, or add exclamation marks and upper-case letters.
Talking should be easier than writing, plus the listener will get to know me more fully. I only have to think of people I listen to online. I prefer to listen to an audio now, than read a lengthy blog post.
That’s another point – length of blog post and time taken to read it. Perhaps I should try to keep my audio posts to about ten minutes maximum? Everyone is busy, they haven’t time. But isn’t it said by blogging experts that longer posts are good? Only if you’re not waffling about shite and boring the arse off people, Claire.
Is there anything else? No, I think that will do for today. Maybe I can just post this now and get on with my life. Until the next blog post.
My aim is to be light about all of this. I want it to be fun! Even if finishing the book is hard work, please let the blog be fun.
7.34am. I guess that will do for a second blog post. I wish I could just tell the story to my journal and not have the blog post in the back of my mind. But it’s probably okay. It flowed out easily anyway, so I hope it’s alright. Maybe I can get back to ProBlogger’s blogging course now, I’m falling behind.
