Month: March 2019

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The Stop Button

Too many projects?

I recently moved to Nottinghamshire, after a lifetime in London. At the same time, I’ve taken on several new projects, all at once, and am beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed. As well as the project of moving into a new house and new county, my other projects include:

  1. New Plot: rental of a plot of land from the local Council, the size of a small field, covered in couch grass and weeds, the roots of which go down several feet into the earth
  2. New Book (my First): committing to focussing on, finishing and publishing my first book. This feels like I’m putting myself under pressure, as I’ve already tried to complete this for many years, without success.
  3. New Website and Blog: a further commitment to publish my first book, through creating this new website and blogging about my book-writing journey, from draft to publication. Thereby putting myself under the cosh even more, by choosing to do all of this publicly.

My projects require a mixture of mental brainpower, together with plain old physical muscle and sweat of brow. I’m getting to grips with learning stuff I don’t know, including techy things such as the workings of WordPress and search engine optimisation – which is vital but not hugely inspiring or interesting to me if I’m honest,

Is there a way to stop the train? The Universe says Yes

I’ve been wondering to myself, have I taken on too much?  This worrying feeling showed up recently, in one of my night-time dreams:

In the dream I was on a train with various people from my past.  The train stopped and it was time for me to get off.  Suddenly, one of my friends, who had lots of luggage, needed help with some stuff she’d dropped.  Rather than get off the train, I felt I had to help her gather up her stuff. I knew this would mean the train might move off with me still on it and I was likely to miss my stop.

I said to the train driver, “Excuse me, can I ask you something?”

He nodded, so I continued, “Is there a way to completely stop the train? You know, if you should ever really need to?”  

He gave me a look that said, “You are joking?”  as he pointed to a massive red button on the train’s control panel. 

The button was huge, how could I have missed that? 

So I said, “Ah yes.  Of course.”

Then I woke up.

And yes, it was obvious. If I wanted to stop, all I had to do was push the big red button, and stop. 

The train seems to represent Where I’m Going.  I wanted to get off the train but felt duty bound to help my friend with her stuff. The friend might even represent an aspect of me. The me who’s been trying to finish writing her book all these years and is wondering if it’s worth it and maybe I should just get off the train.

Staying on the train, for whatever reason may mean I’m On Board with my projects, and that I don’t want to Stop the Train, just yet. But what if I do want to stop further down the line? Can I do that?

Asking the Train Driver, was like my asking for reassurance from the Universe: 

“Hey Universe, I know I’m committed to all these things, but, if by any chance I needed to change my mind/back out/stop – is there any way I could actually do that?

As I’ve said, the Train Driver simply pointed to the big red button.  He didn’t speak, but the look on his face seemed to say:

“You’re kidding me? Just stop.  It’s no skin off my nose.”

It’s not just about me

So why the feeling of overwhelm and even, why am I feeling a little bit scared?

Ahh.  Then I realised.  It isn’t just about me.  

It’s about readers.  It’s about the readers I’m imagining may read my blog and read my book.  

Somewhere out there (please God) are people who might read and enjoy my book.  Or who might one day read my blog and, dare I hope, feel encouraged by it.

If it was just me I could merrily write for myself, and not share it online or anywhere else. The idea to do this publicly was because I hoped it would give me that spur – when you say to others you will do something you are more likely to do it.

Yet, I’d love to think that my blog or my book will help not just me, but others too. When they read about how long it’s taken me to finish my book, it might make them feel better. It might give them a spur too, to finish their book, or start a blog, or create a website, or create a product – but most of all, to trust themselves to do it and trust they will do it well.

The thought that it isn’t just about me, is both terrifying and encouraging. Knowing someone might be interested in the next stage of the story, helps me to keep writing. If I blog about my progress consistently, I’m more likely to achieve that goal of finishing and publishing my first book.  

Thinking about it logically, I really don’t need to feel overwhelmed.  I am the one who has chosen these projects. No one is forcing me to do any of it.  

It’s early days for my blog. I have two people on my subscriber list. Two people who I would hope, have subscribed because they are interested in the topic of my blog. If I continue to blog regularly, maybe that list of two will grow.

Even two people signed up to your blog is a vote of confidence and means there is now expectation. It means you need to go on and write those blog posts and that book. And hey – I want to, I want to do this!

So on I go. I will continue to post on my blog and continue to allow myself to hope, that sharing my story might help others to share theirs.  When I think of those others, I feel more incentive to keep going. It doesn’t matter whether this blog is helpful or just interesting – but I hope it’s one or the other!

Thank you my two subscribers. I appreciate you and your support. And just to let you know that for the moment, any thoughts about pressing that big red button have faded away.

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She published her first book at age 95

There is an inspiring story about an American woman, Delana Jensen Close, who has recently indie-published her first novel, aged 95.  Her book is called The Rock House and she started writing it in 1955. Yes, sixty-three years ago.

Wow! There is hope.

Delana’s book has its own Facebook page which features an excerpt. The protagonist, Abby, is in a fair amount of pain, giving birth to her baby . . . in the presence of a priest.

In the same way as birthing a baby, Delana said about her book, “It had to come out.”

Yes, and she spent sixty-three years getting it out. 

I have no idea if Delana worked studiously, year after year writing her book, or whether it was in a dusty drawer for decades and she unearthed and reworked it. 

Whichever it was, I say, Well Done Delana!  You have given thousands of first-time book writers hope.  You have made me realise, it really is never too late and age is just a number.  

I have not read Delana’s book, but the back cover blurb suggests the story line is potentially a good one.  According to its Facebook page, The Rock House has even won a prize.  

Delana’s story is inspiring. I wonder how many more first-time authors are in their seventies, eighties and nineties?  (Maybe someone should do a survey?)

One other first-time author springs to mind: Mary Wesley, who in her seventies, wrote The Camomile Lawn. Her book was so popular it was made into a t.v. series. Yet, in an article about Mary Wesley in The Guardian, way back in 2006, Gloria Glendinning said of Mary: 

She had been writing all her life for her own pleasure, but apart from two novels in the late 1960s, which did not make a mark, had always thrown away what she wrote.

Well Mary, we differ there. I cannot throw away anything  I’ve written upon, even the back of an envelope!

By the way, Delana is currently working on her second and third books.  Yes, aged ninety-six.

So, let’s just end with a message to all aspiring first -time authors out there, including me:  

Keep going! You can do it. It really is Never Too Late.

Are you working on your first book?  How long have you been writing it?

If you’re already a published author, how long did it take you to write and publish your first book? 

Note: Just so you know, I first found Delana’s first-book-story at www.dispatch.com. Although I was able to read Google’s snippet of the story, I couldn’t access www.dispatch.com’s full webpage, presumably because I live in the UK and not the USA.   Thankfully, author Lee Martin, had also shared Delana’s story online and I got more detail about it from his blog post.  


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The second blog post – why it’s so hard to write

There’s nothing like putting the word Writer after your name to completely paralyse and prevent you from writing another word, in my case the second blog post.

I’ve been puzzling over it for nearly three days, writing countless drafts and re-drafts, accompanied by much hand-wringing and I’m still no further forward.

Rather than struggle with it any longer, I shall simply share what I wrote in my journal this morning. I think it will do perfectly for my second blog post:

Extract from my journal:

Friday 8 March 2018

6.51am. I’m thinking of naming my second blog post ‘The problem of writing the second blog post’.  Does that describe it well enough though?  I don’t think that heading conveys what I’ve been through for the last two days.  Maybe I should add ‘and how that doesn’t even begin to describe the angst and stress of writing it’.

Maybe it’s just me who has this second blog post issue?  I can write in my journal with no problem.  I love writing in my journal.  But when I sit down to write a blog post it is so hard.  

That’s why I’ve spent two days on it – long days, from 10.00am to 7.00pm solid.  Both days.  I squirreled myself away in my bedroom-come-office so I would have peace and quiet and could concentrate, so there’s no excuse there. 

I drew four mind-maps and wrote lots of drafts, changing the blog topic at least three times and eventually felt I was done.  To help myself edit, I’d read the thing aloud to myself and recorded it on Audacity.  (I couldn’t find my little hand-held mp3 recorder). 

When I listened back I felt quite pleased with it.  I even laughed at one of my own jokes and at the end, choked up by what I’d written there. That was a good sign.  I gave it to BF (my best friend) to read (and confirm that it was as good as I thought it was).  

It was probably a mistake to ask her to read it whilst she was watching Crufts on t.v.  but she agreed to read it in the break when the adverts came on.  Thankfully, she turned down the sound.  

I can’t remember what she said, but she didn’t say: Yes, that’s great!  

I asked “Is it okay?” and she said “Yes.  It’s okay”.

Two days I’d spent working on this blog post and it was just okay?

I felt like crap.

She started to say “I’m sorry . . . “, and I cut her off with “It’s FINE!”  and we both knew it wasn’t fine.

Oh yes, she reminded me that I’d tried to blog before and about all that had gone wrong with that and why didn’t I just get on with writing the bloody book and stop distracting myself.  

She said I should write the book before doing another blog.  

I tried to explain, the whole point of the blog is I’m coming from the place of not being there yet.  I haven’t finished the book and I’m still doing it.  I said, “I’m writing for people like me, who haven’t done it yet either”.  

“Why are you doing it for other people?  Why aren’t you doing it for yourself?”

“I AM doing it for myself, that’s the whole point.  Writing the blog will help me finish the book and hopefully, help people like me, who’ve been trying for-EVER(!) to get their book out there.  Or their blog.  Or themselves . . . somehow.  They haven’t done it yet either and like me they may have been trying for years, and I want to do it -now, and share how I do it”.  

I knew what I meant but the more I tried to explain, the less she seemed to get me, until I wasn’t sure I got me either, or why I was doing it.  She said I can best help others when I’ve done it myself, when my book is published. 

“But I want to do it with them!” I said, getting more fired up, “Not be like some successful Writing Guru who’s already made it.  I’m like them”.

I see her point.  She’s watched me trying to do this for years.  It’s a fine line between failure and success, between dreaming of publishing your book and actually doing it.  

Creating my new website and blog isn’t just about the struggle to get the book done and out there.  I don’t want it to be only about that. I’ve struggled for years already and I’ve had my fill of it.  I want this to be about doing it now, not struggling.  Succeeding.  Publishing the book.

Feeling emotionally exhausted, I went out to the kitchen to make the evening meal.  Thankfully, it was a meal I could do standing on my head, a simple veg chilli and rice.  

I tried to calm down and salvage something from the wreckage.  Maybe I could do an mp3 instead of a written blog post?  I didn’t know where my mp3 talk-box was.  I hadn’t been able to find it for weeks and yet when I opened the filing cabinet, I reached to the back and immediately put my hand on it.  I turned the stove down to simmer and went upstairs with my talk-box.  

BF was now watching Eastenders and I could hear the sound of it coming up from below.  In the privacy of my bedroom, I had a kind of rant into my talk-box and felt better.  Perhaps I could post that.  I’m supposed to be sharing my experiences after all.  

I pressed play to listen and it hadn’t recorded.  Probably just as well.  The battery was almost flat so maybe that was why.  I did a ‘testing testing 123’ and the gadget itself was fine.  I decided to leave the blog post there for one day.

Having slept on it I am slightly clearer this morning.  First of all, I was trying too hard.  After all, if you create a website and put the word Writer after your name, you’re heaping on the pressure to write a halfway decent blog post each time.  

I reminded myself that the whole idea of the blog was simple: to honestly share what’s going on for me in this whole writer-to-author journey.

I’m not saying the blog post I wrote wasn’t honest, but I think I was trying to make it too polished and perfect.  

I want my blog to be real.  I don’t need to write perfectly – but I still want to write well.  All I really want, is to share and communicate.  How I do that, doesn’t matter.  Just because the blog is about writing a book doesn’t mean I have to write blog posts all the time.  I could record some of the posts and link to some of the work I’ve already done. 

A real writer. That just popped into my head.  I want to be real, I want to come across as real.  But this whole thing is also about becoming a Real Writer. Because unless I have a book, how can I call myself a real writer? 

I need to publish a book. That’s all there is to it.

So where does all this leave me?  Only to say that I’m not surprised I struggled with the second blog post, I’ve done it before.  I made a recording then too, saying how I’d struggled and here I am again.  

I have to try and make this easier for myself otherwise I won’t keep this up.  I’ve thought of a few ways:

1.  Write in my journal as I usually do, whilst trying to forget about writing a blog post.  I’m doing this blog with People Like Me in mind, so why not write to them as I write to myself in my journal?

2.  Wait at least a day, then read what I’ve written in my journal and see if I can share it in a blog post – maybe slightly re-worked or, if I’m lucky, as it is.  

3.  Share my behind-the-scenes stuff, like mind-maps and what I’m studying, around blogging, book-writing and indie-publishing.

4.  Use my talk-box to record a post.  Unscripted, but with some ideas for what I’m going to share, written down on a piece of paper.  Maybe just a word or two like ‘second post struggle’ or ‘easier in journal’.  That way I keep it natural and speak freely as I would to a friend.

I like the talk-box idea because my blog readers will hear my voice.  They will hear my expression and easily get the emphasis or meaning – without me having to put words into italics, or add exclamation marks and upper-case letters.  

Talking should be easier than writing, plus the listener will get to know me more fully.  I only have to think of people I  listen to online.  I prefer to listen to an audio now, than read a lengthy blog post. 

That’s another point – length of blog post and time taken to read it.  Perhaps I should try to keep my audio posts to about ten minutes maximum? Everyone is busy, they haven’t time. But isn’t it said by blogging experts that longer posts are good?  Only if you’re not waffling about shite and boring the arse off people, Claire.

Is there anything else? No, I think that will do for today. Maybe I can just post this now and get on with my life.  Until the next blog post.  

My aim is to be light about all of this.  I want it to be fun!  Even if finishing the book is hard work, please let the blog be fun.

7.34am.  I guess that will do for a second blog post.  I wish I could just tell the story to my journal and not have the blog post in the back of my mind.  But it’s probably okay.  It flowed out easily anyway, so I hope it’s alright.  Maybe I can get back to ProBlogger’s blogging course now, I’m falling behind.

/end of journal entry for 8 March 2018