There’s nothing like putting the word Writer after your name to completely paralyse and prevent you from writing another word, in my case the second blog post.
I’ve been puzzling over it for nearly three days, writing countless drafts and re-drafts, accompanied by much hand-wringing and I’m still no further forward.
Rather than struggle with it any longer, I shall simply share what I wrote in my journal this morning. I think it will do perfectly for my second blog post:
Extract from my journal:
Friday 8 March 2018
6.51am. I’m thinking of naming my second blog post ‘The problem of writing the second blog post’. Does that describe it well enough though? I don’t think that heading conveys what I’ve been through for the last two days. Maybe I should add ‘and how that doesn’t even begin to describe the angst and stress of writing it’.
Maybe it’s just me who has this second blog post issue? I can write in my journal with no problem. I love writing in my journal. But when I sit down to write a blog post it is so hard.
That’s why I’ve spent two days on it – long days, from 10.00am to 7.00pm solid. Both days. I squirreled myself away in my bedroom-come-office so I would have peace and quiet and could concentrate, so there’s no excuse there.
I drew four mind-maps and wrote lots of drafts, changing the blog topic at least three times and eventually felt I was done. To help myself edit, I’d read the thing aloud to myself and recorded it on Audacity. (I couldn’t find my little hand-held mp3 recorder).
When I listened back I felt quite pleased with it. I even laughed at one of my own jokes and at the end, choked up by what I’d written there. That was a good sign. I gave it to BF (my best friend) to read (and confirm that it was as good as I thought it was).
It was probably a mistake to ask her to read it whilst she was watching Crufts on t.v. but she agreed to read it in the break when the adverts came on. Thankfully, she turned down the sound.
I can’t remember what she said, but she didn’t say: Yes, that’s great!
I asked “Is it okay?” and she said “Yes. It’s okay”.
Two days I’d spent working on this blog post and it was just okay?
I felt like crap.
She started to say “I’m sorry . . . “, and I cut her off with “It’s FINE!” and we both knew it wasn’t fine.
Oh yes, she reminded me that I’d tried to blog before and about all that had gone wrong with that and why didn’t I just get on with writing the bloody book and stop distracting myself.
She said I should write the book before doing another blog.
I tried to explain, the whole point of the blog is I’m coming from the place of not being there yet. I haven’t finished the book and I’m still doing it. I said, “I’m writing for people like me, who haven’t done it yet either”.
“Why are you doing it for other people? Why aren’t you doing it for yourself?”
“I AM doing it for myself, that’s the whole point. Writing the blog will help me finish the book and hopefully, help people like me, who’ve been trying for-EVER(!) to get their book out there. Or their blog. Or themselves . . . somehow. They haven’t done it yet either and like me they may have been trying for years, and I want to do it -now, and share how I do it”.
I knew what I meant but the more I tried to explain, the less she seemed to get me, until I wasn’t sure I got me either, or why I was doing it. She said I can best help others when I’ve done it myself, when my book is published.
“But I want to do it with them!” I said, getting more fired up, “Not be like some successful Writing Guru who’s already made it. I’m like them”.
I see her point. She’s watched me trying to do this for years. It’s a fine line between failure and success, between dreaming of publishing your book and actually doing it.
Creating my new website and blog isn’t just about the struggle to get the book done and out there. I don’t want it to be only about that. I’ve struggled for years already and I’ve had my fill of it. I want this to be about doing it now, not struggling. Succeeding. Publishing the book.
Feeling emotionally exhausted, I went out to the kitchen to make the evening meal. Thankfully, it was a meal I could do standing on my head, a simple veg chilli and rice.
I tried to calm down and salvage something from the wreckage. Maybe I could do an mp3 instead of a written blog post? I didn’t know where my mp3 talk-box was. I hadn’t been able to find it for weeks and yet when I opened the filing cabinet, I reached to the back and immediately put my hand on it. I turned the stove down to simmer and went upstairs with my talk-box.
BF was now watching Eastenders and I could hear the sound of it coming up from below. In the privacy of my bedroom, I had a kind of rant into my talk-box and felt better. Perhaps I could post that. I’m supposed to be sharing my experiences after all.
I pressed play to listen and it hadn’t recorded. Probably just as well. The battery was almost flat so maybe that was why. I did a ‘testing testing 123’ and the gadget itself was fine. I decided to leave the blog post there for one day.
Having slept on it I am slightly clearer this morning. First of all, I was trying too hard. After all, if you create a website and put the word Writer after your name, you’re heaping on the pressure to write a halfway decent blog post each time.
I reminded myself that the whole idea of the blog was simple: to honestly share what’s going on for me in this whole writer-to-author journey.
I’m not saying the blog post I wrote wasn’t honest, but I think I was trying to make it too polished and perfect.
I want my blog to be real. I don’t need to write perfectly – but I still want to write well. All I really want, is to share and communicate. How I do that, doesn’t matter. Just because the blog is about writing a book doesn’t mean I have to write blog posts all the time. I could record some of the posts and link to some of the work I’ve already done.
A real writer. That just popped into my head. I want to be real, I want to come across as real. But this whole thing is also about becoming a Real Writer. Because unless I have a book, how can I call myself a real writer?
I need to publish a book. That’s all there is to it.
So where does all this leave me? Only to say that I’m not surprised I struggled with the second blog post, I’ve done it before. I made a recording then too, saying how I’d struggled and here I am again.
I have to try and make this easier for myself otherwise I won’t keep this up. I’ve thought of a few ways:
1. Write in my journal as I usually do, whilst trying to forget about writing a blog post. I’m doing this blog with People Like Me in mind, so why not write to them as I write to myself in my journal?
2. Wait at least a day, then read what I’ve written in my journal and see if I can share it in a blog post – maybe slightly re-worked or, if I’m lucky, as it is.
3. Share my behind-the-scenes stuff, like mind-maps and what I’m studying, around blogging, book-writing and indie-publishing.
4. Use my talk-box to record a post. Unscripted, but with some ideas for what I’m going to share, written down on a piece of paper. Maybe just a word or two like ‘second post struggle’ or ‘easier in journal’. That way I keep it natural and speak freely as I would to a friend.
I like the talk-box idea because my blog readers will hear my voice. They will hear my expression and easily get the emphasis or meaning – without me having to put words into italics, or add exclamation marks and upper-case letters.
Talking should be easier than writing, plus the listener will get to know me more fully. I only have to think of people I listen to online. I prefer to listen to an audio now, than read a lengthy blog post.
That’s another point – length of blog post and time taken to read it. Perhaps I should try to keep my audio posts to about ten minutes maximum? Everyone is busy, they haven’t time. But isn’t it said by blogging experts that longer posts are good? Only if you’re not waffling about shite and boring the arse off people, Claire.
Is there anything else? No, I think that will do for today. Maybe I can just post this now and get on with my life. Until the next blog post.
My aim is to be light about all of this. I want it to be fun! Even if finishing the book is hard work, please let the blog be fun.
7.34am. I guess that will do for a second blog post. I wish I could just tell the story to my journal and not have the blog post in the back of my mind. But it’s probably okay. It flowed out easily anyway, so I hope it’s alright. Maybe I can get back to ProBlogger’s blogging course now, I’m falling behind.
/end of journal entry for 8 March 2018